Once upon a midnight dreary...

So here I am at 12:30. Today I cracked. I had a moderate lunch today which included a can of soup and a banana. It was after work (which was an overall good day) that I had fallen to my foe. I caved to the pizza monger. Those slices soo cheesy and gooey. Honestly it was a little disappointed. The pizza was flat and not at all how it usually is. Had I eaten it. I know exactly why I did what I did today. I gave into my emotions. Yesterday I had to deal with a below the belt blow emotionally. I've known all my life that I am an emotional eater. I get bored, I eat. I get sad, I eat. I get frustrated, I eat. A vicious cycle thats horrible to break. Get fatter and fatter and fatter into the abyss of the golden arches. I got so depressed today I watched a shitty movie (Eclipse) and ate shitty food. When I'm down I really want to make sure I feel horrid. My roomie even noticed how "shit faced" I am feeling today. I might be depressed but I certainly will not reveal how or why I got into my lurch. I am crawling out of my hole one step at a time without medications. I hate being so angry all the time. Do you know how hard it is to just let go? Letting go of control is the one thing I can't do, but God seems to find a way to T-Bone my life and now I am on some shitty donuts with a door that won't open. Windows are shattered, lives are changed. I have yet to see the silver lining in this one. I just wish I could let go of it all. I don't want it anymore. I'm not talking about life. I want to live, I just don't want to live with this big cantankerous tumor on my shoulder whispering in my ear about everything.

When I get injured in karate and if I end up bawling I always use it as a good excuse for a time to start thinging about horrible things just so I can cry and at least be free of some of my pain. Its so hard to let things go. Since I'm moving, this might be a great opportunity to get rid of nearly all of my worldly possessions. Forget that. I like my stuff. Help me move. Help me not hurt. I'm ready to not hurt anymore. I can't handle this alone.

Sorry about the emo update. Did I mention I lost 4 pounds since last week? I don't remember if I did or not.

Evil thy name is candy :(

So yesterday at work a girl did the BITCHIEST thing a person can do. She goes around work and offers people candy. Then she walks right up to me, shoves the candy bucket in my face and says "oh, sorry, forgot... is it rude to offer you this candy?" Of course I'm still playing it cool and I just say "oh, no its ok, you can offer but I can't accept." WHAT. A. TWAT. After that little incident I went to school and made my scuba final my bitch. 91. Considering I didn't study, I say thats pretty damn good. This morning the fruits of my labors are starting to bloom. I weighed in and I lost 4 pounds. Thats AWESOME. I'm in a whole new group of numbers. At a rate of two lbs a week I am going to look amazing by next winter. I haven't really been going to the gym lately either. If I worked out I'd be burning off this chub chub a lot faster.

I've been making progress on my CSI watching and I finally got to season 7 which has the miniature killer. Thats the best one! Today while I was on campus I made a decision that could possibly effect someones life. Even SAVE IT. I became a bone marrow donor.

I'm still waiting on my new drivers license so I can finish submitting my paperwork for my speeding ticket and defensive driving...

Kaju practice tonight. Glad I do that every week or else I would probably only be dropping 2lbs :-p

Wishing for pieces of Reeses.

Once a cheater always a cheater

So, I successfully completed the first week of SlimFast. I think the worst part about it was the weird after taste of my "chocolate delight" or some junk like that. Oh, and the huge dip in energy and the migraines.... All of that is starting to subside now. I did kind of "fall off the wagon" by eating solid food over this weekend... but I did damn good about staying way within my caloric counts and allotments. On my official cheat day I went wild and crazy. I had a banana in the morning on Saturday around 9AM. a ton of water... then around 3pm I had some tacos. They were muy bueno. THEN around 7:30 pm I took my buddy out for her birthday. We had some delicioius pizza from Homeslice and then got a drank over at Trudys, THEN saw a movie! Other than the long gap in eating it was pretty good. Work was so-so.

Being the new guy is no easy task. People treat you like you're an idiot and oust you from everything. This is a hard egg to crack, but I think my mental capabilities will crack others before I am willing to be Humpty Dumpty. Worst case scenario? Live 4 cities away from San Marcos and commute to school and stand on the corner to beg for spending money. I bet a sign that says "college student, please help" is way more effective than a sign that says "homeless, (insert funny, god bless, or honest remark about booze here) please help."

I broke down and dropped $1600 on the plane ticket to Austria. I will be back on the last day of july. Then back to work on the 1st of August. I'm supposed to move sometime around then... I might just hire some people cause I'll be damned if I'm going to carry my bed and desk up two flights of stairs. F. THAT. SHIT. I've moved every year for the last 6 years now. WHEN IS IT GOING TO END?!?! My guess is that I have one more move, then I can stay put for 2 or so years. Lets face it though... I'm a nomad. I am slowly letting go of my incarceration to material objects. Except my bed. I will never get rid of that. I spent some GOOD money on a tempurpedic, and the only way I'm getting rid of it is to get a new one.

To round out the end of my blog... you should all watch the TV show Castle. I can also recommend a few others: TrueBlood, Weeds, Dexter, CSI Las Vegas.... just to name a few.

Anyways... I purchased a different flavor of slim fast for this week. Now I am on ROYAL chocolate magic bliss or something. This one is actually delicious. Seriously. It's winning.

My muffin top is all that, whole grain, low fat.

So today starts the official public count down. I am embarrassed to announce it. My weight.... drum roll please... is 251. Holy Balls. I've been struggling with this for a long time, and I can say that it WAS higher. I got rid of that weight so we will call this our official "Starting Point." Not many women would come out of their bathroom declaring "HEY YOU OVER THERE I'M FAT!" This is my moment. My moment to come to terms with reality. This is real life here... no matter how much you weigh, what you look like, how much you vomit in the toilet to achieve unrealistic goals. It is time to get in touch with yourself. I don't want to be one of those rail thin models with elbows that can cut glass. I want to be healthy. As far as I'm concerned that means getting down to the 150lb mark. Technically I will still be "overweight" at that point, but hey, who's counting? Oh yeah... thats me... Weight is just a number anyways... the number I look forward to most to make smaller is my pants. Go from an 18 to a 12, and God forbid... a 10?  Thats reasonable. Thats real.

This marks day three of the SlimFast regime. So far no major slip ups. A shake and a banana for breakfast today... lunch is going to be solid food... and dare I say it... Dinner will be a shake and an orange or apple. I am looking forward to Sunday though cause I can finally have one of the Pepsi cans that I foolishly bought before starting this diet on a whim. They just look at me every day screaming "drink me!!!! drink me!!!!" Oh how I want to drink thee Pepsi... but alas, our time this year will be short. My butt needs to be smaller before I get on a plane for 10+ hours sitting next to someone who is probably not going to be small... I hope I get lucky on this long flight and get a row with an empty seat...

Honestly... Honesty is a bitch. Here's to clawing her eyes out!

Hungry Hungry hippo...

So, today is day numero dos of the famous SlimFast diet. Today I am much more awake! I slept in today, so it was a bit easier going through the whole not eating solid food thing. My snacks were an orange and a banana. I think this is the first time I went to the grocery store to buy fruit and actually succeeded in eating it all before it went bad. I think my new goal is to find out how much money I save by doing this diet. $11 bucks a week for breakfast and lunch is a pretty good deal! I bet I can minimize my groceries to $40 every two weeks. Probably less than that. Tomorrow morning I will weigh in since I forgot to do it on Monday. First day back to school was a nightmare. I slept in pretty much all of my classes, and one of my professors thought he could trip me up by asking me for an answer, but of course... I did my homework.

Tests are coming up. Must study German... then law... then biology... UGH.

Dinner was Baked BBQ chicken and a small bit of macaroni n cheese. I was gonna eat rice, but it seems I forgot to restock last time I was at the store. oh well. I'm still within my limit.

Cheers!

Zero energy.

So today is day one of the SlimFast diet. I thought I would have more issues with it than I am (so far today). So at around 7am I get to campus, park my car, and gently sip 1/3 of my calorie allotment down the hatch. I grabbed an orange and a banana to assist me this morning just in case my shake didn't do it for me. I somehow made it through the first two classes of the day. I can honestly say I am struggling with typing this blog out because I am so tired. That is either because my body is running on low energy or the fact that I medicated myself last night and only got 5 hours of sleep. I could curl up in the hallway and take a nap right this second. Keeping my eyes open during class has been terribly difficult. Tonight I have something to look forward to though. CASTLE. Since I work in town today and I get off of work at 9ish tonight... I will only miss the first few minutes of it (unless I work really hard to make sure we are done by 8:30).  I gotta start working on my pharmacy CEs. I have 2/20 hours completed... oy.

Sickness is the best diet!!

So, as of late I have negleted my dieting and blogging, and giving any sort of rats ass about anything. I've been too busy to think about what I'm eating but now its time to get back in the habit of shedding those pounds. The past few weeks abbreviated:

1. Pnumonia. coughing to my hearts content. for the last TWO WEEKS. This is the #1 reason I haven't gained any weight since I fell off the wagon.

2. Karate tournament. I won the gold in my division!!! I was also the only competitor... I also had my ass handed to me by a blue belt. Two belts above me, she hit me right in my bad shoulder. I might as well should have had my friend re-dislocate it cause it hurt that #$%#$&ing bad.

3. Spring Break/New job. You know how I complained all the time about how horrible and stressful my job was? Well now it is at a minimum!! I got a new job with benefits, more money, and in the same city I live in!!! Not that its terribly exciting, but now my entire life will be lived out in San Marcos... The most "exciting" place on earth...

It is school time again, and I can't wait to explore my adventures with you all out in internet land. Tomorrow I start the slimfast diet to keep working on my goal of normality.

Deuces!