So here I am at 12:30. Today I cracked. I had a moderate lunch today which included a can of soup and a banana. It was after work (which was an overall good day) that I had fallen to my foe. I caved to the pizza monger. Those slices soo cheesy and gooey. Honestly it was a little disappointed. The pizza was flat and not at all how it usually is. Had I eaten it. I know exactly why I did what I did today. I gave into my emotions. Yesterday I had to deal with a below the belt blow emotionally. I've known all my life that I am an emotional eater. I get bored, I eat. I get sad, I eat. I get frustrated, I eat. A vicious cycle thats horrible to break. Get fatter and fatter and fatter into the abyss of the golden arches. I got so depressed today I watched a shitty movie (Eclipse) and ate shitty food. When I'm down I really want to make sure I feel horrid. My roomie even noticed how "shit faced" I am feeling today. I might be depressed but I certainly will not reveal how or why I got into my lurch. I am crawling out of my hole one step at a time without medications. I hate being so angry all the time. Do you know how hard it is to just let go? Letting go of control is the one thing I can't do, but God seems to find a way to T-Bone my life and now I am on some shitty donuts with a door that won't open. Windows are shattered, lives are changed. I have yet to see the silver lining in this one. I just wish I could let go of it all. I don't want it anymore. I'm not talking about life. I want to live, I just don't want to live with this big cantankerous tumor on my shoulder whispering in my ear about everything.
When I get injured in karate and if I end up bawling I always use it as a good excuse for a time to start thinging about horrible things just so I can cry and at least be free of some of my pain. Its so hard to let things go. Since I'm moving, this might be a great opportunity to get rid of nearly all of my worldly possessions. Forget that. I like my stuff. Help me move. Help me not hurt. I'm ready to not hurt anymore. I can't handle this alone.
Sorry about the emo update. Did I mention I lost 4 pounds since last week? I don't remember if I did or not.
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